Embrace Mindful Intentions for a Transformative 2024: A Journey of Values, Wellness, and Growth

As the calendar flips to a new year, many of us find ourselves reflecting on the past and contemplating the future. Traditionally, this time prompts resolutions aimed at transforming various aspects of our lives. However, the stark reality is that the majority of resolutions fall by the wayside within weeks. Why does this happen, and how can we foster lasting change that aligns with our values and promotes holistic well-being? In this blog post, we explore the transition from resolutions to mindful intentions, shedding light on the importance of value-driven behavior in maintaining motivation.

Year after year, the same resolutions echo through our collective consciousness: lose weight, eat healthier, exercise more, reduce stress, save money, leave negativity behind, quit bad habits—the list goes on. The problem with resolutions lies in their rigidity and often superficial nature. They tend to focus on specific outcomes rather than the underlying values that drive sustainable change.

Mindful intentions, on the other hand, invite us to set a different kind of goal—one that's rooted in self-awareness, compassion, and a genuine connection to our values. Let's delve into a few common resolutions and their mindful intention counterparts to understand this shift more deeply.

1. Resolution: Lose Weight

   Mindful Intention: Cultivate Body Positivity

The resolution to lose weight often comes from external pressures and societal expectations. Shifting to a mindful intention allows us to focus on cultivating a positive relationship with our bodies, promoting health from a place of self-love rather than external validation. One of my favorite Peloton instructors said recently, “the only weight I’m losing is the weight of anyone else’s opinion,” and I felt that.

2. Resolution: Eat Healthier

  Mindful Intention: Engage in Mindful Eating

Mindful eating is about more than just the types of food we consume. It involves a deeper connection to the eating experience, fostering gratitude for the sustenance our bodies receive and breaking free from restrictive diets. Mindfulness also includes the practice of moderation, avoiding extremes and being aware of the present moment and our needs.

3. Resolution: Exercise More

   Mindful Intention: Create Lifestyle Routines Focused on Longevity

Shifting from a narrow focus on daily workouts to a broader intention of lifestyle routines emphasizes the holistic nature of well-being. It encourages activities that bring joy, flexibility, and long-term sustainability.

4. Resolution: Reduce Stress

   Mindful Intention: Practice Mindful Acceptance

 Stress reduction is a common goal, but mindful acceptance recognizes that stress is a natural part of life. The intention is to navigate stress with grace, fostering a mindset that embraces challenges as opportunities for growth. 2023 served my family with unexpected loss and sudden change, which is inevitable and will likely occur in the future. It is only through acknowledging and accepting thoughts and emotions without judgment, that we can cultivate resilience in the face of stressors.

5. Resolution: Save Money

   Mindful Intention: Practice Financial Self-Care

The resolution to save money often focuses solely on the act of saving. Shifting to financial self-care encourages a holistic approach that considers both short-term financial goals and the emotional well-being associated with financial decisions. Approach financial management as an act of self-care, making decisions that align with your values and overall well-being.

6. Resolution: Leave Negativity Behind  

Mindful Intention: Focus on Healing

Leaving negativity behind may seem like a simple resolution, but it often overlooks the importance of healing from past wounds. The mindful intention emphasizes a journey of self-compassion and growth. For many, embedded negative thoughts from distressing life events or past trauma may make this intention difficult to accomplish without the support of a professional.

7. Resolution: Quit Bad Habits

   Mindful Intention: Practice Mindful Awareness

Quitting bad habits is a common resolution, but mindful awareness recognizes the complexity of habits. It involves understanding the triggers and gradually making conscious choices, fostering lasting change. When we understand that some of our worst habits are tools to cope with or manage uncomfortable inner experiences, it allows us to start to heal and shift what’s happening inside.

This year, I encourage you to create mindful intentions that are rooted in self-awareness and values that consider your journey rather than focusing on immediate outcomes. With this shift to a more flexible approach, it will allow you to foster a more compassionate approach to personal growth. Additionally, intentions promote self-compassion by recognizing that setbacks are a natural part of any journey. Rather than viewing them as failures, they become opportunities for learning and growth.

Now that we've explored the power of mindful intentions, it's time to turn the spotlight on you. What intentions are you setting for yourself in 2024?  If you find navigating your intentions challenging, or you need support in exploring your values, consider seeking therapy or support. 

At Mallory Mitchell Therapy, I am currently accepting new clients and scheduling sessions to help you make the long-lasting change you aim to make.

Navigating the Holidays and Beyond: 6 Tips for Setting Boundaries

As we are in the full swing of the festive season, the topic of boundaries becomes particularly relevant. From family gatherings to the pressures of holiday traditions, setting and maintaining boundaries is crucial for your mental health and well-being. As a Marriage and Family Therapist I  understand the challenges that come with this time of year, especially for those dealing with anxiety, perinatal mental health concerns, and childhood trauma. In this month's blog, let's explore six practical tips for setting boundaries and preserving your mental health, that will help you navigate holiday chaos and support your wellness into the New Year.

1. Know Your Values

Before immersing yourself in the holiday whirlwind, take a moment to truly understand your core values. What aspects of this season align with your deeply held beliefs and priorities? By identifying these values, you can establish boundaries that resonate with what truly matters to you. Whether it's the importance of quality time with loved ones or the significance of personal reflection, grounding yourself in your values will guide your boundary-setting decisions.

2. Communicate Clearly

Effective communication is key when it comes to setting boundaries. Whether you're addressing family dynamics or clarifying your needs as a new parent, express yourself clearly and assertively. Use "I" statements to convey your feelings and needs without placing blame. For example, "I need some quiet time to rest and recharge" or "I would appreciate your support in respecting our parenting choices." This direct communication allows you to take responsibility for your feelings, which is the most effective way to assert your needs.

3. Plan Ahead

Anticipating potential challenges allows you to plan ahead and set realistic expectations. If certain family gatherings are known to be stressful, consider limiting your time or planning breaks to regroup. For new parents, communicate your baby's schedule and needs in advance, so others can respect your family's routine. Furthermore, don’t be surprised if your boundaries are not always embraced and respected. Planning ahead can also include knowing how you’ll respond if your boundaries are not warmly received.

4. Be Okay With Discomfort

Saying 'no' is a powerful tool in setting boundaries, and in order to set boundaries, it is necessary to be okay with saying ‘no’. It's okay to decline invitations or commitments that don't align with your well-being or family priorities. Remember, it's not about being selfish; it's about honoring your needs and preserving your mental health. With that said, saying ‘no’ can be really uncomfortable, especially when doing so hurts someone else’s feelings. The fact is, that in sitting in the discomfort you learn how to advocate and care for yourself, while building your own window of tolerance.

5. Tune-In to Self:

Amidst the chaos of the holiday season and in life, it's essential to cultivate a heightened sense of self-awareness through mindfulness. Take intentional pauses to tune into your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations. Mindfulness practices, such as deep breathing or a brief meditation, can be powerful tools in fostering this awareness. Additionally, pay attention to physical cues of stress and overwhelm, like tension in your shoulders or a racing heartbeat. These cues serve as valuable signals prompting you to reassess your boundaries and prioritize self-care.

6. Seek Professional Support

If the holidays or family dynamics trigger past traumas or intensify anxiety, consider seeking professional support. Therapy, particularly approaches like EMDR and mindfulness-based techniques, can provide valuable tools for processing emotions and establishing healthy boundaries. When underlying beliefs about yourself and your worth, struggles with perfectionism, attachment styles, and chaotic relationship history stop you from asserting your needs and advocating for yourself, it is a good indicator that you may benefit from extra support.

Remember, setting boundaries is an ongoing process, and it's perfectly okay to reassess and adjust as needed. As we navigate the holiday season, let's prioritize our mental health, embrace the power of boundaries, and create a space for joy, connection, and well-being. Wishing you a peaceful and fulfilling holiday season!

Navigating the Holiday Hustle: A Therapist's Take on Self-Care

As the aroma of pumpkin spice lingers in the air and the anticipation of the holiday season gathers momentum, I find myself reflecting on the delicate dance of roles we perform in our lives. Amidst being a mother, a wife, and a therapist, I've come to recognize the pivotal importance of self-care, especially in the hustle and bustle that precedes the holiday season. I reflect on this having just finished a time-exhaustive advanced training on Perinatal Mental Health, while also trying to juggle all of the other responsibilities of life.  Thanksgiving, a time to express gratitude, often propels us into a whirlwind of preparations, leaving little room for ourselves. In this blog, I invite you to join me on a journey of practical tips for self-care, drawing from my dual roles as a therapist and a woman navigating the beautiful chaos of life. Let's explore together how we can carve out moments of tranquility in the midst of the holiday hustle.

In the fast-paced rhythm of our lives, it's easy to overlook the essential practice of self-care. Prioritizing your mental and emotional well-being is not a luxury; it's a necessity. As a therapist specializing in anxiety, trauma, and perinatal health, I understand the crucial role that self-care plays in managing stress. In line with this, here are six practical self-care strategies that you can incorporate into your daily routine:

1. Mindful Breathing Exercise

Start your self-care journey with a simple yet powerful mindful breathing exercise. Take a moment to inhale deeply for a count of four, hold for four counts, and exhale for four counts. This practice not only connects you with the present moment but also triggers your body's relaxation response. It's a quick and effective way to center yourself amid life's chaos.The best thing about this practice, is that it literally only takes seconds.

2. Digital Detox Time

Our lives are often dominated by screens, from work computers to our iphones. Introduce a daily digital detox period. Whether it's 30 minutes or an hour, use this time to disconnect from technology. Engage in activities like reading a book, taking a leisurely walk, or savoring a cup of tea without the distraction of notifications. Embracing these screen-free moments can do wonders for your mental clarity.

3. Practice Gratitude

Cultivating an attitude of gratitude is a transformative self-care practice. Instead of creating a joy list, take a few minutes each day to reflect on the things you're thankful for. It could be the warmth of the sun on your face, the laughter of a friend, or the aroma of your favorite meal. Focusing on gratitude shifts your perspective, bringing attention to the positive aspects of your life.

4. Establish Boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries is an act of self-love. Learn to say no when needed, communicate your limits openly, and be mindful of your personal boundaries. By doing so, you create a space that prioritizes your well-being, preventing burnout and fostering a healthier relationship with yourself and others.

5. Get Outside or Move Your Body

For me, there are few things more detrimental to my mood and attitude than a day without fresh air and sunshine. Do what you can to get outside for fresh air and body movement. Whether it's a leisurely stroll or a brisk walk, a jog, or a yoga session in the park, physical activity is a powerful form of self-care. Not only does it contribute to your overall health, but it also releases endorphins, the body's natural stress relievers.

6. Prioritize Sleep

Quality sleep is the cornerstone of our well-being. It is not merely a pause button for our bodies and minds, but a vital reset that allows us to face the world with renewed vigor. In the chaos of life, sleep is often the first thing to go, and prioritizing sleep may seem like a luxury we can't afford.  In reality, sleep is a non-negotiable investment in our physical, emotional, and mental health. 

Remember, self-care is a personal journey, and these strategies can be tailored to suit your preferences. Incorporating these practices into your routine can have a profound impact on your mental and emotional well-being. Take the time to nurture yourself—you deserve it.

While I understand and relate to the concept that self-care might seem like an indulgence rather than a necessity. the repercussions of neglecting self-care can extend far beyond mere exhaustion. The impacts of neglecting self-care extend beyond personal well-being to influence how you engage with the world around you. Recognizing the interconnected nature of mental, emotional, and physical health underscores the vital importance of making self-care a non-negotiable priority in your life. So pick one thing to do for yourself right now, and make you a priority.

Understanding EMDR Therapy for Trauma Healing

Welcome to Part 2 of my blog series on trauma and its treatment! In the previous blog, we explored the signs that indicate a need for trauma-focused therapy. In this installment, we'll dive deeper into an innovative and highly effective therapeutic approach called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR).

Understanding EMDR Therapy

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a structured psychotherapy approach developed by Francine Shapiro in the late 1980s. EMDR therapy has gained widespread recognition and acceptance within the mental health community for its effectiveness in treating trauma and related issues.

EMDR therapy is based on the idea that traumatic experiences can become "stuck" in the brain's processing system, preventing them from being integrated into the person's overall memory network. This incomplete processing of trauma can lead to the symptoms of post-traumatic stress and other trauma-related conditions. EMDR aims to help individuals process and integrate these traumatic memories so that they no longer have the same emotional charge. As I reviewed last month, remember that trauma isn't a one-size-fits-all experience. Trauma comes in various forms and can include a single major event or a series of smaller distressing situations. Both of these types of trauma can have a profound impact on your life, and both can be addressed using EMDR.

Key Components of EMDR Therapy

• Assessment: Before beginning EMDR therapy, a trained therapist conducts a thorough assessment to determine the client's readiness for treatment and to identify specific traumatic memories or experiences that need to be targeted.

• Desensitization and Reprocessing: During therapy sessions, the client focuses on a distressing memory while engaging in bilateral stimulation, typically in the form of guided eye movements, hand taps, or auditory tones. This bilateral stimulation facilitates the reprocessing of traumatic memories, allowing them to be integrated into the person's memory network in a less distressing way.

• Installation of Positive Beliefs: EMDR also involves the installation of positive beliefs or affirmations to replace negative self-perceptions or distorted beliefs associated with the trauma. This helps individuals develop healthier self-concepts.

• Body Scan: Clients are encouraged to notice any physical sensations that arise during EMDR processing. This helps them connect their emotional and physical experiences, promoting overall healing.

• Closure: Each EMDR session concludes by ensuring the client is in a state of equilibrium and providing coping strategies for managing any distress that may arise outside of therapy.

• Reevaluation: As therapy progresses, the therapist and client periodically reevaluate the effectiveness of the treatment and identify any additional target memories that may need processing.

Benefits of EMDR Therapy

EMDR therapy offers several distinct advantages in the treatment of trauma and related issues:

• Efficiency: EMDR is often considered a more time-limited therapy compared to traditional talk therapy. Many individuals experience significant improvement in a relatively short period.

• Holistic Healing: EMDR addresses the emotional, cognitive, and physiological aspects of trauma. It helps individuals achieve a more integrated sense of self and emotional well-being.

• Empowerment: Clients actively participate in their healing process by engaging in bilateral stimulation and self-monitoring during EMDR sessions. This active involvement can promote a sense of control and agency.

• Reduced Reliving: EMDR therapy can significantly reduce the frequency and intensity of distressing flashbacks and nightmares, allowing individuals to regain a sense of safety and stability.

• Generalization of Skills: Skills learned in EMDR therapy often generalize to other areas of life, helping individuals cope with stress, anxiety, and interpersonal challenges more effectively.

• Scientifically Supported: EMDR therapy has a substantial body of research supporting its efficacy in treating trauma-related disorders, making it a reputable choice for trauma-focused therapy.

Is EMDR Right for You?

EMDR therapy is a powerful and evidence-based treatment option for individuals who have experienced trauma. As a trained EMDR therapist, we can consult to determine if EMDR is the right fit for your specific needs. In some cases, additional stabilization or coping skills may be necessary before starting EMDR therapy. I can help guide you toward the most appropriate treatment path for your unique situation.

EMDR therapy is a transformative approach to trauma healing, offering hope and relief to those who have experienced the devastating effects of trauma. If you or someone you know has experienced trauma and its lingering impact, consider exploring EMDR therapy as a path to recovery and a brighter future. The journey toward healing is a deeply personal one, and there are effective treatments available to support you along the way.

If you are interested in learning more about EMDR therapy, emdria.org is a wonderful resource!

Signs You May Benefit From Trauma Therapy

Trauma can leave deep emotional scars, affecting various aspects of our lives, from our mental health to our relationships. In this blog, I'll discuss the signs that may suggest someone will benefit from trauma-focused therapy. According to EMDR International Association (www.emdria.org), approximately 70% of adults in the U.S. have experienced some type of trauma. The experience of trauma alone does not necessitate a need for therapy, but if the trauma is impacting you in the way I’ll explore below, it may be time for trauma-focused therapy.

Before we delve further into the signs that may indicate a need for trauma work, it's essential to understand that trauma isn't a one-size-fits-all experience. Trauma comes in various forms, often categorized as "big T" and "little t" trauma. "Big T" trauma typically refers to major, life-altering events, such as natural disasters, combat experiences, sexual assault, or serious accidents. These events are often more easily recognized as traumatic due to their immediate and profound impact on a person's life.  On the other hand, "little t" trauma involves less obvious but still distressing experiences that accumulate over time. These can include ongoing emotional neglect, chronic bullying, dysfunctional family dynamics, or even the accumulation of smaller distressing events. "Little t" traumas can be just as impactful in the long run, especially when they go unaddressed.

It's important to acknowledge that both "big T" and "little t" traumas can lead to similar emotional and psychological consequences. Whether you've experienced a single major event or a series of smaller distressing situations, recognizing the signs and seeking trauma-focused therapy can be a vital step towards healing and recovery.

Recognizing Signs That Indicate a Need for Trauma Work

Trauma can manifest in many ways, and its impact can vary from person to person. Some individuals may not even realize they have experienced trauma, as they may have developed coping mechanisms that allow them to function on the surface. However, here are some common signs that can indicate a need for trauma-focused therapy:

Intrusive Thoughts or Memories: Persistent and distressing thoughts or memories related to a traumatic event can disrupt daily life. These can appear as flashbacks, nightmares, or intrusive thoughts that bring the trauma back vividly.

Emotional Dysregulation: Frequent mood swings, intense anger, irritability, anxiety, or depression that seems disproportionate to current situations can be a sign of unresolved trauma. These emotional responses may stem from unprocessed traumatic experiences.

Avoidance Behaviors: Avoiding places, people, or activities that remind the individual of the traumatic event(s) is a common way people cope with unresolved trauma. This avoidance can limit their ability to engage fully in life.

Hyperarousal: Individuals with trauma may experience heightened states of arousal, such as increased anxiety, irritability, or difficulty sleeping. They may be easily startled or on edge, as if constantly in a state of alertness.

Negative Beliefs and Self-Perception: Trauma can lead to negative self-beliefs, feelings of shame, guilt, or a distorted self-image. People may blame themselves for the trauma or feel fundamentally flawed.

Interpersonal Challenges: Trauma can strain relationships, as individuals may have difficulty trusting others, setting boundaries, or experiencing intimacy. This can lead to isolation and loneliness or may lead to unhealthy recurring relationship patterns. People who have experienced trauma may find themselves seeking out situations that echo their past trauma, or attracting partners who are similarly wounded.

Physical Symptoms: Unresolved trauma can manifest as physical symptoms such as headaches, digestive issues, and chronic pain. These somatic symptoms are often linked to the emotional and psychological impact of trauma. Bessel Van Der Kolk’s book The Body Keeps The Score is a wonderful book about this topic.

Substance Abuse or Addictive Behaviors: Some individuals turn to substances or addictive behaviors as a way to cope with their emotional pain and distress.

Difficulty Concentrating: Trauma can make it challenging to concentrate, focus, or make decisions. Individuals may struggle to stay present and engaged in daily life.

Recognizing the signs of unresolved trauma is a crucial first step toward healing. In my next blog, I'll provide an overview of a highly effective trauma therapy approach known as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). EMDR therapy has helped countless individuals find relief from the effects of trauma and lead more fulfilling lives. If you or someone you know exhibits these signs, it's essential to consider trauma-focused therapy as a path to healing. Trauma work can empower individuals to reclaim their lives, improve their emotional well-being, and foster healthier relationships.

Breaking out of Your Comfort Zone: A Therapist’s Tips for Growth

Are you feeling stuck in your life, your career, or your relationship? Do you feel bored, unmotivated and unfulfilled? It’s possible that the small internal voice questioning the current state of your life is a need to make a change that will push you outside of the boundaries of what you know and what is safe.  When we feel stuck and begin to question our next move, it is an indicator that we are ready to break out of our comfort zone.

Remaining in the comfort zone can become stifling and  hinder your true potential. Whether you're questioning a career change or wanting to start your own business, contemplating a geographical change, or feeling stuck in a stagnant relationship, breaking free from the confines of the comfort zone is the first step toward realizing your ambitions.

In this blog, we will dive deep into the art of embracing discomfort, confronting challenges head-on, and beginning the transformation necessary for personal growth and development. Here, you will discover tips and insights that will empower you to push past self-imposed limitations to reach your full potential.

Define Your Values

Stepping beyond the boundaries of what feels safe and familiar can lead to exciting opportunities for self-discovery and fulfillment. However, it's entirely normal to feel hesitant and anxious about doing so. When things get tough and you hit roadblocks, it is important to have value-driven motivation. Understanding what truly matters to you can provide a compass to navigate through challenges. Take some time to reflect on your core beliefs and principles. What are the things you cherish most in life? Is it family, personal growth, career success, honesty, or compassion? Knowing your values will give you a clear sense of direction and purpose as you venture beyond your comfort zone.

Understand Your Fears and Self-Doubting Beliefs

Fear and self-doubt are natural emotions that often arise when we contemplate making difficult changes in life. When you begin to plan for your next step, what is the story you tell yourself as the reason why you cannot? This story can help you hone in on the negative belief that may be dictating your self identity. Take some time to explore the fears that are holding you back. Are you afraid of failure, rejection, or the unknown? Ask yourself, “If I fail, what will it mean about me as a person?” The answer to this question likely connects back to earlier life experiences that you may need to process through in order to take the next step in your growth and development.

Cultivate a Support Network

No one can journey through life alone, especially when doing hard things. Cultivating a supportive network of friends, family, or even seeking professional guidance can provide invaluable encouragement. Recognize the areas that you may need help with, and source a network of individuals with expertise in those areas to support you. Recognize that asking for help is a strength, not a weakness, and a necessary step in building your business, relocating, or ending an unhealthy relationship. Surround yourself with individuals who believe in your potential and are willing to provide encouragement and constructive feedback. Having a support system in place can help ease the anxiety and uncertainty that often accompany stepping into the unknown.

Practice Self-Compassion

When pushing ourselves beyond the familiar, it's essential to be kind and gentle with ourselves. Self-compassion involves treating ourselves with the same warmth and understanding that we would offer to a close friend. Embracing the fact that it's okay to make mistakes and stumble along the way allows us to grow and learn from the experience. Beating yourself up for not being perfect or for taking risks only hinders progress, as striving toward perfection only takes us further away from what is authentic, true, and real. Embrace self-compassion as a tool to nurture your self-esteem and resilience. If you are finding yourself struggling with perfectionistic tendencies, it may be time to seek support in quieting your punitive inner critic.

Embrace the Growth Mindset

Psychologist Carol Dweck introduced the concept of the growth mindset, which emphasizes the belief that our abilities and intelligence can be developed through dedication and hard work. Embracing a growth mindset allows you to view challenges as opportunities for learning and improvement rather than threats to your self-worth. When you encounter obstacles or setbacks outside your comfort zone, remind yourself that these moments are stepping stones on your path to growth and success. Furthermore, when you are truly clear on the values driving your desire to break out of your comfort zone, tackling the obstacles becomes much easier.

Breaking out of your comfort zone can be both exhilarating and challenging. It requires introspection, self-compassion, and a willingness to embrace the unknown. I encourage you to define your values, understand your fears, and build a support network to guide you on this transformative journey. It is normal to feel anxious when taking risks, and through support, you can experience the personal growth and embrace the opportunities you are looking for.

If you're seeking further guidance or support in this process, therapy to resolve issues of self-esteem, quiet the inner critic, and rewrite your narrative is a great place to start. Together, we can work towards breaking down barriers and building a life that aligns with your true values and aspirations.

Why Resolutions Fail; Tips for Making Meaningful Change

January 1, New Years Day. Opening my email on this first day of the year, I am flooded with emails centered around one theme: New Year's Resolutions. Obviously these are all marketing attempts capitalizing on what is a huge industry built on the concept of “New Year, New You.” While I don’t know how this all started, what I do know is that resolutions don’t work, and I don’t like them.  Research shows that the majority of resolutions fail in the first six weeks of the year, and that only about 9-16% of people actually meet these resolutions at the end of the year. But if you are serious about making meaningful changes this year, I am happy to provide you with tips and tools to help you.

The reason resolutions don’t work can be understood in the definition of the word resolution, which is defined as  “a firm decision to do or not do something.” This definition implies that a behavioral change is being made based on will power, and will power is hard. Life is tempting, and if you are resolving to make a change without taking meaningful steps to do so, things will get in the way. If you want proof, go to the gym in the beginning of January, and then go again in the middle of March; you will see first hand how many things got in the way for people and their resolutions.

The other major issue with resolutions is that they are often unrealistic with unclear goals centered around “should” statements, which is a cognitive distortion in which you have no room in your life for. Should statements (or “ought” and “must”) make us feel guilty when we do or don’t do something, and create a sense of failure when we fall short of the intended action. Should statements also lead to general goals that are negative in nature, and lead to failure because they are built around the absence of something, rather than on the presence of change..  

Here are a few examples of should statements and the resolutions they become:

• I must lose weight so I can look better → I am going to lose weight

• I should drink less alcohol → I am going to stop drinking

• I ought to save more money → I am going to spend less money

While I said I was not a fan of resolutions, I am a fan of change. So if you are interested in growth and change and want to set meaningful goals, here are some tips for you.

Change your language. Let's start with throwing out the word “resolution” and using language that reflects a growth mindset. A growth mindset allows you to take on challenges and learn from them, so your language needs to reflect this willingness for change and growth rather than being centered around failure and negativity. You also want to use language that identifies the positive changes you are making, rather than the things you are depriving yourself from. So instead of saying “I am going to lose weight”, you can say “I want to make healthier choices that will include x, y, and z.”

Be specific and reasonable. If you are serious about wanting to make meaningful change, you need to be clear in how you are going to achieve this, while also being realistic in what is reasonable and achievable. If your goal is to save more money this year, identify the steps that you are going to take to do so. What percentage of your income are you going to spend versus save and/or invest? What spending items do you want to cut down on, and how are you going to do so? Once you identify the plan, check in to make sure the goal is reasonable. It is reasonable to make coffee at home rather than buying coffee daily, but it might not be reasonable to pay off all of your credit card debt by February. 

Embrace moderation. The challenge with establishing meaningful behavior changes, is the importance of setting goals that will allow for change, without being too severe or restrictive. Quitting smoking cold turkey or committing to extreme weight loss or exercise goals will not help you to be successful. If you have never run a day in your life and you plan to run a marathon this year, your success rate is unfortunately relatively low. But if you set a goal to run a 5k, you are more likely to succeed. Setting extreme goals also contributes to the yo-yo effect. If you have goals that are more moderate in nature, you are more likely to see the changes stick.

Practice forgiveness. Have compassion for yourself. Things will get in the way and things will be hard, that is inevitable. If you misstep in your journey of growth, that is okay. Meaningful change happens when we are challenged, so be kind to yourself if you miss a workout, or overspend on a weekend, or drink too much. Most resolutions fail in February because people set extreme goals and give up when they fall short. Since you are not making resolutions and are practicing a growth mindset, it will make it easier for you to pick up where you left off and keep moving forward.

Have meaningful motivation. When goals are built around “shoulds” and “musts,” cultural, societal, and familial expectations are likely at the core, and do not set you up for meaningful change. If you want to be successful in improving areas of your life, you are going to need a “why” that will get you there. Intrinsic motivation theory encourages tapping into the internal rewards rather than external to overcome barriers to change. If you set the goal to exercise more to build muscle and change your appearance, you may find yourself struggling to stick with your goals during tough workouts. But if you focus on your goals to exercise to set healthy examples for your kids, or because you enjoy the way you feel after a hard workout, you are likely to get your money's worth on your Black Friday Peloton purchase.

Address underlying issues. Most of the behaviors you seek to change started because at some point they served a purpose for you. You started drinking because it helped you relax or take the stress off, but now it has gotten out of hand. You learned that eating sweets and carbs made you feel better when you were feeling sad and lonely, but now you want to lose the weight that followed. To effectively curb the behaviors that are no longer serving you, you need to understand why you do them, and learn healthier ways to manage your stress, cope with your feelings, or resolve your trauma. 

At Mallory Mitchell Therapy, I am currently accepting new clients and scheduling sessions to help you make the long-lasting change you aim to make.

Tips To Surviving Holiday Stress

‘Tis the season to be jolly,’ or is it? The holiday season is officially in full swing, and for many this can be a time of delight and happiness.  Holidays can be a time for gathering with friends and family while celebrating successes and accomplishments.  Social media, Netflix holiday specials, and advertisements inundate us with images of warmth, joy, and happiness with families in matching pajamas and bright smiling faces. While this may be the goal, and likely an unrealistic one, the holidays may have you holding your breath and waiting for the New Year.

Regardless of how you feel about the holidays, this is a time of year that ultimately causes stress and will likely move you out of your state of homeostasis, where you are most balanced and able to function. An array of demands are placed on our day to day lives, while the everyday responsibilities do not cease to occur for most.  Gift giving, travel, and parties place a strain on finances, obligations, and time; and for many, time with family can prove to be exhausting at best.

Not all families are picture perfect, and spending time with family can bring forward unresolved family issues or trigger memories from a painful childhood, all while continuing with dysfunctional communication styles.  Even in the more functional families, the awkward conversations that trigger anxiety, uncertainty, and low self-esteem occur.  For some, the holidays can exacerbate grief over a lost loved one with whom you may have shared the holidays.

The pressure and effort to maintain holiday cheer can often result in feelings of sadness, loneliness, and depression.  To survive this holiday season, below are some tips to live your best life.

Practice moderation. Be aware of the tendency to engage in excessive consumption during the holiday season. Eating sugary treats, indulging in the extra cocktail, and taking advantage of holiday sales feel good because they flood our brains with serotonin and dopamine. These boosts feel great temporarily, but leave us needing to continue to engage in the behavior to feel good.  This does not mean that you should practice extreme restriction during this time, as that will likely cause you to feel frustrated and may stir up resentments.  Instead, be intentional about your consumption and enjoy special treats and activities in moderation.

Identify your needs. Be aware of what helps you to feel rested and recharged versus exhausted and overwhelmed. Reflect on the relationships in your life and how spending time in different settings makes you feel. Check in with yourself to identify the times in which you feel respected and safe. Typically when we feel most drained, exhausted, and stressed, we have stopped paying attention to our needs. In order to make a plan to manage your stress, you need to first know what causes it.

Be okay with saying “no”.  Once you know what you need, it is okay to ask for it.  It is important to focus on your emotional needs and to not drain your emotional or financial bank account.  It is okay to not buy gifts for every person in your family, but to ask to pull names instead. It is okay to not go to every holiday party. It is okay to avoid triggering conversations and topics with your family. Understanding your own limitations, and setting boundaries that support your abilities is one of the best things you can do.

Maintain healthy habits.  Don’t let the holidays be the time when you fall short on your workouts or forget all your healthy eating habits.  Keep up your mental health immune system with getting enough sleep and tending to your physical well-being.  Our mind and spirit have a tough time keeping up without the body, so make your health a priority.

Be mindful. Try to stay present and aware of your emotions and experiences. It is easy to go through the motions or grin and bear it when life gets chaotic, busy, or uncomfortable, but the key to not being consumed by the world around us is to slow down. But mindfulness is more than just being aware, it includes the absence of judgment. So be present and aware, with compassion for yourself, your feelings, and your situations. You are exactly where you need to be.

Ask for help.  There is no time like the present to change a habit, and rather than waiting to make a “New Year’s Resolution,” commit to action to be your best self in this moment.